Cha del Rosario ®©

"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."
-Hans Christian Andersen

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Not sinking with it.

Posted on February 16, 2020 at 7:30 AM

It's amazing how time heals everything. We may not know it but it does. We may be in denial but the ache fades. It leaves a scar after you endure the pain of a deep cut. You remember the pain but you no longer feel it.


The ship is sinking but I will not sink with it.


For the past few months since my arrival from South Korea, I have been thinking about the things I want and what I need. I realized I don't have a lot of either. Sometimes, they're both a need and want at the same time.


Under the heavy rainfall, I got me thinking ... when multilingual people think and speak to themselves, do they speak in mother tongue or a mix of other languages? Lol jk but seriously I was speaking to myself in English. While it could've been done in Filipino, I thought the person concerned should be able to relate to what I was saying, even if he wasn't with me, even if he would never get the chance to hear me.


I was walking alone at night along the stream. On my last night, it was quiet after the typhoon. Water was calm. People were taking rest and getting themselves recharged for the following day, Monday. It all went down to thinking I was still alone. I am still alone. But did i die? No. Would I die? I don't think so.


There's something really special in being alone. It was a very familiar state. It reminded me of that night in Singapore, the search for fun only to end up alone at 00:00 eating Cornetto as replacement for the SGD 25 beer that I never got to taste the previous night.


It was that feeling in Indonesia the first time I went there. I came to meet up with a friend who probably thought he was with a ghost. I had to zone out, finding sanity in the air.


It was that feeling in Thailand when I had to drown in alcohol that never brought me back in time to un-meet some people. When I had to go back to Kuala Lumpur and avoid any chance of seeing them because it would only remind me of how helpless it was to be me, to have nobody, to be rejected by what I called "home".


The world is cruel. Your happiness could be in the expense of someone else's. Your "right" could be someone's "wrong". Be selfless, they would take advantage of you. Be a little selfish, you'd hurt them. Your wants and needs could come with tricky terms and conditions.


The world is never fair. It gives you a taste of the freshest apple before it gives you a whole basket of poisonous ones ... that's if you are even lucky to get the free taste of the fresh apple. Sometimes it just knocks you down just like Snow White and life doesn't give you a prince to save you. Damn.


Oh, well. Guess we need to start growing our own apples.

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